Thursday, October 26, 2006

Movin' on up!

I got an epromotion! It's been fun, but the guys at Orange and Blue Hue offered me a spot writing for them. They get about ten billion times the page views I do, and they said I can write exactly the same crazy nonsense I write here. So it's time to move on, at least until they get tired of my shenanigans (which are cheeky and fun). This is a good opportunity to work at a much better site; as well as to take advantage of good writers who can cover up my own shortcomings.

Thanks to my readers for apparently enjoying my stuff (stat-counter says you're there!)

I should have an article up there by the end of the day. You'll know it's me, because I'm the only one too unoriginal enough to come up with a pseudonym. See you on the other side.


Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Let's Play What If

What if the two most electrifying players from last year's Rose Bowl, one of the most exciting games of my life time, were on the same team? What if through some freak of recruiting, Vince "The Human Abrams" Young and Reggie "Laser Shoes" Bush ended up on the same team? (It's hard to believe my nicknames for those two did not catch on). While we will never know what those two players could have done together, Gator fans might be lucky enough to experience something similar. If Tebow and Harvin live up to their potential, the Gators of tomorrow could be something special.
While looking forward to a hypothetical future is the hobby of losers, and focusing on "what if?" can cause one to loose sight of reality, this particular scenario is too fun not to think about. Tebow, like Young, is a big truck of a quarterback who shrugs off tackles with power and size. Young, however, was more than just a physical freak, he was the kind of player that others would gladly follow into battle. Tebow also seems seems to be developing into a fiery leader that commands the respect of his teammates. Young, despite his unconventional release and the constant criticisms thrown his way, did have a good arm with enough power and touch to get the job done. We have yet to see enough of Tebow's arm to really gauge how good of a passer he will be, but it's worth noting that he won several Florida High School passing records (a state where Daunte Culpepper, Danny Wuerffel, and many others High School Football), so he must at least be capable of throwing the ball further than your average blogger.

Percy Harvin is fast...the man channels the speed-force Wally West style. There are Auburn defenders still looking for their shoes from his one man reverse a week and a half ago. His awe inspiring run was one of the few Florida highlights in that terrible game. The fact that he was a threat to take it to the house every time he touched the ball, against a top tier defense in their own house, as a true Freshman, shows the kid's potential. If Harvin stays healthy, the sky literally is the limit on his ability. It is the trend to declare very playmaker the next Reggie Bush, but with geniuses such as Lee Corso claiming Harvin could live up to that incredible standard, how could it be anything but true? (note: sarcasm). Harvin has a long way to go, but he has the tools to make a Bush like ceiling possible.

There are no guarantees in Football. Both of these guys could be busts, average players, or the victims of terribly injuries. This entire post could be the wishes of a deluded fanboy, or a terrible blog-jinx on the futures of two spectacular athletes. Or it could be prophesy, and in two years it will show the Church of Albert to be prescient. In that scenario: feel free to send your donations via Paypal, because having a prophet at helm may allow this blog to legitimatize its title and get all the tax benefits of being a Church. Fingers crossed for the future and for the present (because this season is hardly over).

(Disclaimer: even if Harvin and Tebow develop into my wildest fantasies, the Gator team of tommorrow will still need a Defense. With 7 graduating seniors on D, as well as Nelson and Siler...there may be a lot of shootouts in the next few yeras)

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Thursday, October 19, 2006


The other day I was at Gator Fever, a scary place that sells nothing but Gator related merchandise. If you need orange and blue condoms, a gator skinned jacket, or an animatronic Albert that attacks bulldogs on command, this is probably the place for you. I was browsing around, and I saw a terrifying sight.

GATOR BRANDED JORTS! I honestly believed the "gators wear jorts" stereotype was a myth. And then this happened. They are available for ladies (or men with nice legs) too.

While they may have ruined my life, at least they are reasonably priced.

Anyone who can afford 55 dollar jorts is not the stereotypical redneck Gator fan. I wonder if this same person gets their mullet trimmed at a custom salon, has iroc badges on a Ferrari, and drinks JD out of a diamond studded flask. Seriously, 55 dollars for the most white trash product there is? There are no words.

Obviously, being a Gator, I picked up five pairs. Can't wait to wear them tailgating


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Reevaluating my Expectations

“I sprinkle sand into the waters of night. The grains burn as they fall, reminding me of another in times long passed away. I watched him even then as he fell, his face undefeated, his eyes still proud.”

While it’s possible that Neil Gaiman wasn’t talking about the 2006 Florida Gators when he wrote that, I doubt it. My expectations for the season may have fallen, but I am still a proud (some would say cocky) Florida Gator.

It’s just time to be realistic again, along with the pride. At the beginning of the season I told myself that this was not a Mythical National Championship season, that the schedule was too difficult and the team too young. I said that if we could split the LSU and Auburn games I would be happy. I even went so far as to say “If I had to choose a game to lose, I would pick Auburn, because I do not want to lose at home on homecoming.” (Speaking of: if I ever meet the man who scheduled LSU for Homecoming, I will stab him in the soul). I set the SEC Championship and a Bowl Game as the best case scenario.

Then something happened. Someone passed me the Kool-Aid, and damn, it was Great Bludini delicious. I drank and drank. All of a sudden, I could not see the team’s obvious flaws. I talked myself into an undefeated season not just being possible, but being likely.

Now my hopes have been murdered, and it’s time to readjust my expectations. The SEC Championship game is now, once again, the goal. I’m not going to focus on the various crazy hypotheticals that could put UF back in the Mythical National Championship picture.

It was not long ago that I set realistic goals for this team, to be disappointed that the team has accomplished them is ridiculous. No more Kool-Aid, no more overconfidence…well, some overconfidence, you’re not a Gator fan if you cannot use your cockiness as a weapon against rival schools. However, a balance between realistic expectations and a slight overconfidence is necessary to retain my sanity. Otherwise, another night like this past Saturday in Auburn could drive me to murder some Volunteer fans (Sure, it was Auburn that beat us, but their fans were too nice for violence).

While it's unlikely being driven to Vol-murder would send me to jail, as I have yet to meet a criminal judge in Central Florida that is not a Florida grad, the murders would be a bad idea because I do not want even an unsuccesful murder charge appearing on my bar background check. My career is dependant on keeping my football expectations realistic (I won't bring up basketball, as it is physically impossible to keep those expectations grounded).

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I knew it!

Auburn was not supposed to be blasting shitty rock music at insane volumes during the game.

"The SEC has issued Auburn University a warning for violating SEC policy by blasting loud music over the public address system between plays when Florida was on offense in the second half of Saturday night's game.

The rule states: “The use of institutionally-controlled computerized sound systems, including music, and institutionally-controlled artificial noisemakers shall be restricted to pre-game, halftime, post-game, after a score and team or media timeouts.”

The first violation results in a warning, while the second results in a fine not to exceed $5,000."

Tip of the hat to ZZgator from's comments.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Reflections on Auburn: Part 2

Part 1 is here.

We came to Auburn from the south, thinking it would be fun to take back roads rather than the interstate. We had a good time, but ultimately it was more depressing than fun. I realize someone from Florida commenting on the sadness of Alabama is risking a diagnoses of pot-kettle-black syndrome, but since I was born in Alabama and raised in Florida I have right to criticize both states (or it makes me a huge redneck). On the trip through Alabama, I saw countless homeless people (including one brushing his dentures in a gas station bathroom), endless cotton fields, more roadkill than I could keep up with counting, a "Drifter's Lounge," and a campaign billboard that said "Please vote for my Paw Paw." Plus, on the way back, we drove for over an hour without seeing a single street light or gas station, which was pretty amazing. Even the backwoods areas outside of Gainesville have all night gas stations.

While rural Alabama is a culture shock, Auburn itself is a great little town. Very pretty with lots of nice houses. Most of the people were pleasant and good hosts. The campus itself reminded me a lot of UF, but without the office park feel. I had a great time. I ate a little place called "Big Blue," which served cold beer and these crazy bagel chips that were delicious.

As nice as the town, the people and the campus were, with one exception,* the stadium itself was a huge disappointment. It's built like an NFL stadium; very wide and open. As a result, the place is not very loud. It was a night game, and in my extremely biased opinion I felt was more quiet than most day games at the Swamp. For most of the game, it was much more quiet than the Swamp. Then, to top off a relatively quiet crowd, they pump in rock music. Hearing Ozzy Osbourne come over the speakers is not something I ever expected at a College Game. Save that shit for the NFL. In College, the teams have live bands that follow them around, use them. When the rock music first came on, I was literally in shock. I could not believe it. If I wanted a prepackaged, unauthentic football experience, I would have driven to an NFL city.

Needless to say, I was let down. I thought all SEC venues were supposed to be impressive experiences, but Jordan-Hare was not.

*Exception: The eagle flying in was amazing. He gave me goosebumps. Florida obviously needs to rip this tradition off and have a huge bull gator charge into the stadium at the beginning of the game! If I am ever capable of donating millions to the school, I will have an Alligator Habitat installed near the stadium and get UF a real, live Albert.

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Monday, October 16, 2006

Not truly Gator related...

Although Rex Grossman did play for us.

I'm watching Monday Night Football and Chicago is down 20-0 to Arizona. It's the start of the second half. Theissman just said "in the first half Rex didn't have time to throw, the Offensive Line was letting him get hit. Now they're getting him some time, that was the adjustment they made"

So the halftime adjustment was "Hey, O-Line, you're not blocking enough, block more"

Thanks Joe, that's some great analysis, it's what you get paid for.

Sorry the rest of the Auburn coverage has been delayed, I've been busy and sad these few days.


Sunday, October 15, 2006

Reflections on Auburn: Part 1

Auburn Alabama,

where Feral Dogs wander the streets and subsist off of garbage,

the houses have huge holes in their roofs,

the Mustangs are pink,

and Gators go to die.

(in all seriousness, great town. More on the game and the town when I recover)

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