Tuesday, October 03, 2006

College Football Teams as Superheroes

The blogosphere has a long history of comparing College Football teams to something that are not College Football teams. It's been done with The Simpsons, The Smurfs, Rappers, South Park, and probably dozens of other times. Every one I've read I've enjoyed, the idea is too good not to steal. Since I'm far nerdier than your average blogger, I've picked a nerdier subject. I'm comparing teams to Superheroes (or at least comic book characters). Here is a list of teams in randomish order and the superhero who best represents them.


Michigan



While this seems like a no-brainer, what with the mascot being a Wolverine and all, I did not want to compare Michigan to Wolverine. This is because I do not like Wolverine, and I do like this year’s Michigan team. However, there are some similarities. For one, Wolverine is very overrated. Both comic fanboys and the general public love Marvel’s midget for reasons that I’ll never understand. Yeah, he’s gritty, short and smokes cigars, but so is Joe Pesci and he’s not worshiped by millions. Michigan is also overrated. For years they got a free #5 ranking at the beginning of the season. The fact that Michigan was underrated to begin this season does not help my comparison so I will choose to ignore it. Plus, the colors are similar.

Notre Dame

Both Superman and Notre Dame enjoyed long periods as the most powerful forces in their respective worlds with relatively recent declines. When people think of superheroes, they think of Superman. When they think of College Football, they think Notre Dame. Superman was the defining Superhero for most of the 20th Century. Similarly, Notre Dame was a powerhouse for the same period. However, in the 1980s Superman was depowered in the Crisis just as Notre Dame has not won the National Title since 1988.

Boston College:


Metallo hates Superman. He considers Superman his arch enemy. Superman doesn’t give a fuck about Metallo, and would definitely not list him as an arch enemy. Still, occasionally Metallo manages to beat the hell out of Superman, even though it is usually not close. Remembering that Superman is Notre Dame, the preceding basically describes BC.

Alabama

Like Superman, the Batman is one of the most famous and influential superheroes. Unlike Superman, who made his name through being more powerful than his enemies, The Batman is notorious for being a bigger bastard than his enemies. Like the Batman, Bear Bryant was a magnificent and terrifying bastard for his opponents. Once, when Batman was told he was a cheater, he replied “I call it winning.” If there is a more accurate description of Alabama football, I have yet to hear it.

Florida

While the Authority may not be well known among the casual public, comic book fans have a huge love/hate relationship with the controversial superteam. Like Florida football, the Authority did not even exist until the 1990s. The Authority differ from more conventional superteams in that they take a proactive approach to world politics and are not afraid to kill. They, like Florida, are characterized by offensive firepower. For the first few years of their existence the Authority were led by a charismatic, egotistical nutcase named Jenny Sparks who died at the turn of the millennia. How is that any different than Florida and Steve Spurrier? (dying and leaving for the NFL are the same thing) Since Jenny’s death the Authority have been in disarray and only recently have found themselves again under a spiritual successor (literally—it’s comics) to their dead leader. Hopefully Urban Meyer can be the successor to Spurrier.

Tennessee

For Christ’s sake, the Kingpin looks exactly like Phillip Fulmer.

Ohio State

Jack Hawksmoor wears a suit, but will still punch a man in the brain for disagreeing with him. Ohio State may have a coach who wears a sweater vest, but they’re as dangerous as it gets.

West Virginia

Cyclops only has one way to attack someone, with his eye beams. It’s his only power, but damn is it powerful. West Virginia is only capable of running the ball, but damn do they do it well. I have an Aunt from West Virginia, and the stories she tells make me really hate that state. I also hate Cyclops, so this works out well.

Texas Tech

Iron Man is a mad genius who constantly tinkers with his ridiculous armor set to make it more powerful. Sometimes this tinkering backfires and Iron Man has trouble with his hardware in the middle of battle. Iron Man is most effective from range, and when enemies close in on him he has trouble. Iron Man is also a bit of a puss, and when someone hits him in the mouth he is much less effective. TCU closed in on Texas Tech and hit them in the mouth a little bit and it was over. Alabama did the same thing last year.

Florida State

Elijah Snow is an old crotchety man who can slow down anyone he faces with his ice powers. Despite his age and demeanor, he’s smarter than he looks and has a knack for pulling victory from the jaws of defeat. It’s almost like they intentionally based the comic on Bobby Bowden. Okay, so maybe Bowden doesn't slow down oppossing teams with his ice powers, but with his nasty defense...or maybe it is ice powers, we may never know for sure.

Clemson

Jakita Wagner is Elijah Snow’s daughter, and may never be able to step out of his shadow. She’s vibrant, deadly, fast and extremely capable, but no matter what she does she will forever be associated with her father.


Miami

Luke Cage may be a thug, but he can wreck some necks. Miami, current season aside, may have a history full of Sean Taylors and Edgerrin Jameses (what else would the plural of James be), but they’ve also got a long history of punching teams in the throat.

Louisiana State University

Jesse Custer has the power of God and is limited only by his psychotic sense of honor. LSU has all the god given talent in the world, but it’s limited by a basket case QB and some suspect play calling. Plus, Jesse grew up in Louisiana.

Penn State University

Solomon Grundy is a zombie. There’s nothing more to say.

University of Southern California

The Incredible Hulk is an unstoppable force of nature that you do not want to get angry. He sometimes turns into a meek little man that gets pushed around for a little while, but eventually the Hulk bursts out and separates arms from shoulders. USC often puts forward meek-scientist type efforts for three quarters followed by a city destroying fourth quarter that puts opponents away.

UCLA

Lot’s of Superheroes have a female version of themselves that no one takes seriously. She Hulk fills that role for that Hulk, and since USC is the Hulk… (editor's note: if you google search She-Hulk there are some damn disturbing pictures)

Virginia Tech

Both Doctor Doom and VT get by on trickery and mad geniusing, but ultimately lose in the end.

Texas

Captain America is always popular, always iconic, but he just isn’t as powerful as his contemporaries. Then for a while, Mark Millar showed up and wrote the most badass Captain America of all time. Millar’s Captain America made me proud to be an American. Substitute “Vince Young” for Mark Millar and you see where I’m going with this.

Auburn

The Sentry is an incredibly powerful superhero published by a major company, but no one has ever heard of him. Auburn is an incredibly powerful team in a major conference that is so unknown they were left out of a championship.

Oregon

Both Namor and Oregon have some of the lamest, most homoerotic costumes of all time. Plus, as powerful as Namor is, no one cares about him. Just like Oregon.

Georgia

Just like Georgia, John Constantine always wins ugly, but he almost always wins. In the long run, he can never stop his friends from dying and Georgia can never beat Florida. At the end of the day, no one hates John Constantine more than John Constantine. Every Georgia fan I know is secretly self loathing.

(disclosure: Hawksmoor is actually in the Authority, so I’m double dipping. I just liked both comparisons too much to change them)

(update, fixed all the single spaces between sentences...no one told me blogspot hates transferring from Word)

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude
The Tahd as Batman rocks...
Beat LSU this weekend....
Sets up AU-Florida for the next
in Jordan Hare... Should be
fun.. War Eagle!!

11:39 AM  
Anonymous DC Trojan said...

USC is so HULK that they have Lou Ferrigno Jr playing for them.

4:22 PM  
Anonymous MackerelSnappingAnarchist said...

USC should be Bizarro Superman

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your a queer.

Sincerely,
The Red Raider Nation

3:46 PM  
Blogger jonathantu said...

Nice work. Nerdiness, comic books, college football = tasty. Plus not many people have the guts to admit they know who The Authority is.

7:15 AM  
Blogger I.P. said...

Michigan WAS NOT RANKED #5 in pre-season polling. Try #14 or #15 depending on who you used. You need to take a second to do some basic research before typing.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Rob G said...

i.p.

"For years they got a free #5 ranking at the beginning of the season. The fact that Michigan was underrated to begin this season does not help my comparison so I will choose to ignore it. "

I acknowledged that this year they weren't ranked 5...it was a joke. This year they were underrated. "Michigan always gets #5" is a pretty common crack against the poll system. I think the Blue are nasty this year, and should probably be ranked 2.

To all who enjoyed, thanks =)

10:40 AM  
Blogger I.P. said...

With skill and someluck, the wolverines will claw their way to #1 by way of trouncing the Phuckeyes!

Besides, we both know pre season polling is usually wishful thinking.

GO BLUE and have a good weekend, y'all.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No Badgers?

2:05 PM  
Blogger Van said...

During the World Cup I posted this comparison of college football teams to World Cup soccer teams:

http://www.plexico.net/2006wcdiary_wk1.htm

It's the column on the far right side of the page. For what it's worth, Florida is the Netherlands.

6:44 PM  
Anonymous Hudson said...

So now it's Jack Hawksmoor vs. The Authority for the National Title? I think a better choice for Florida would be Longshot: Not the most powerful guy on the block, but quick, agile, and his Good Luck powers make the most improbable things happen for him to win. Plus he has a mullet.

7:47 PM  
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